Entry #13

I'm not sure I belong in America.

Don't take that wrong....in so many ways I'm grateful to be born here.  America is amazing.  Anyone can succeed.  This land is truly a melting pot that honors work ethic and is blessed by God.   But this Christmas,  I feel like I have been frozen in one of those numb places that I have visited many times before...where everything seems unsettled, slow-mo & not quite right.  This used to freak me out, when I felt like this, but I've been realizing more often than not - this is the Lord keeping me from settling in to get my attention to some details.

So bless your heart if you're reading this...I'm going to spill some of my details over the past month, especially the past few days.

For the past month, I've felt like I'm in a tug-of-war.   Like, "Where the heck to do I belong?!"  You see, I often feel like I CAN fit in many places...but WHERE do I FIT?  In this private school, upper class society or in HUD housing where I catch myself talking slang without meaning to?  That in itself is a hillarious dillemna b/c my kids school prides itself in excellent speech, which I am ALL for, but for some reason it seems like sometimes slang is an important 'relating' tool.  

So where am I leading?  Thank GOD I'm finally feeling some clarity about this myself!

While there is SO much I love about America, there is quite a bit I honestly despise too. 

Let me explain by telling you about my day today, which I believe was completely symbolic of what the Lord has been stirring up on the inside of me lately.

For Christmas this year, I was given $300 from my dad.  There was a catch though.  It had to be spent in a certain amount of time, only on yourself and at Woodland Hills.  So the fam loaded up (and went to Beverly! ha! no) and went to the mall bright and early for the after-Christmas sales.  I had spent a couple days thinking about what to get.   Looking @ my laundry room and closet, I knew that even though my clothes were ridiculously out-dated.... clothes would be a waste of $.  I kept trying to get myself to quit thinking like that but it was drving me nuts.  

I kept finding myself thinking...

What ARE clothes FOR?

A charade

or

necessity?

Well, living in America, this isn't a popular question to ask.

Don't get me wrong.  Once in awhile, I wear an outfit that just 'feels' good.   Like it is a good representation of 'who I am'.   But most of the time - it's a burden to me.

Today it was like I got that thought/feeling proven over and over.  

This is hillarious...check it out....

I went into Forever 21.  If I were still a teen, I know this would be my hangout.  

1/2 serious-1/2 not, all together in 1.  LOVE IT!  

But in that store, I was cracking up b/c I kept catching trendy clerks eyeing me like, "Ahhh, emergency in aisle 21!  Old lady!"  I kept ignoring it but trust me, it wasn't just me! ha!  (However, I did run into a 'God-thing'... I found MY T-SHIRT there!  Actually it was the 2 words I have a tattoo drawn out for but keep chickening out! - 

LIVE LOVE.

So, of course, I got it....that and a yellow rubber watch.

But then I went to the Gap.  It was like, "Ok, I fit in better here", but DANG - $60 BUCKS for a pair of jeans!?  So I went to Macy's and got a cuter pr for $20- SWEET!

Then just before we left the mall, for whatever ?reason? I went into JCrew.  While some of their pants looked extremely comfy I couldn't help but notice clerks sizing me up like, "She doesn't belong here."  Yeah, in the past, I used to be WAY over-sensitive in this area but it didn't seem like I was being paranoid...just perceptive.  So I passed on dropping any $ there :).  But I did splurge on one more thing b4 I left the mall, some gray Converse! sweet!

So, where did all this leave me?  

Well, I just couldn't help it, as I walked around the packed mall I was overwhelmed with one theme....

SEARCHING.

In all different extremes/ways people were searching.

Like ONE more thing would help something.

So here I am tonight, out on the town in my pj pants and Converse (they are nice, lol) wondering, 

"Will I EVER fit in?"

more to the point...

"Do I WANT to?"

Honestly....no.

I really don't WANT to.

I want clothes to cover me.

Sure, a scarf can add a little spice from time to time.

But what I want is for my $ and time to make a difference.  

Not in how I, Julie Knapp, feel about myself...but what it may add to someone else's life.

Sounds pretty darn noble huh? LOL!  Please don't let me fool you.  

This next phrase may freak some out but I've weighed putting it in here and got to....

I've been known to break down from time to time and buy a pack of smokes on a stressful night and totally waste 5 bucks and a lot of health, so trust me I've got my own thorns and vices....

But this Christmas, I'm looking at America and thinking, "Oh come on Lord, please, just move me where I fit in a little better!"  Dangerous prayer to pray, I know.  But I'm pretty sure I mean it.  Yeah, even for my kids.

When I talk like this, I can't even begin to tell you how many people voice their concern about the safety of my children - but come on!  What is really more dangerous?!  Going where GOD leads US, regardless of supposed threat or living a life numb & trying to fit in where we don't seem to 'fit'?

One last thing, when I talk like this, I am in NO way condemning ANYONE else's choices!!!  I'm simply saying, "I really think He made me this way for a reason!"

So, please don't waste any time worrying about us! :)  Just do us a HUGE favor and pray God's will for our lives!  We simply want to be where He made us to be! And who knows, just maybe that's here feeling like a fish out of water in my groovy Converse & nifty rubber yellow watch! :)

Entry #12

Well, I just had it out with God.  (Kinda sorry if that offends you, but I do it regularly and He doesn't seem to mind.)  

I was folding laundry and trying to track my impossible to-do-list while I was working.  Most days it seems I'm falling behind in every area.  Sometimes, I even feel like I live 2 separate lives and that really bothers me.  One world is trying in every possible way to maintain our normal American lives ....clothes that fit and match, appropriate clothes for numerous Christmas parties, holiday-decorated house, clean & pressed uniforms, reading logs, etc etc! The other world is constantly trying to listen to the Lord for helping the 'rest of our family' that we are not related.  Who has heat and who doesn't, who has lost their hat & a glove is walking to school freezing, who needs a ride to the doctor, a call to an agency, etc, ETC!

So, I'm going over all this with God, wallowing in self-pity and frustration with myself, "Lord, I'm really sucking at this!  Should I just go back to the way I used to live and try to keep up with that?!  When guess what He has the nerve to say? :)  

"Julz, you're doing great.  I love you."

Yeah, He has a way of making my burrowed eyebrows relax and turning my shaky pitiful questions into laughter.  Don't know how He does it, but He nails me just about everyday in such a beautiful way.

I just laid the laundry basket down, turned off the radio and decided to write to thank Him and hopefully bring encouragement to someone.

He's proud of us.  

He does not expect perfection....only we do.  

He sees our heart...not the constant falling-behind to-do list.

He waits to bring us comfort as we hurry around like a chicken with our head cut off.

I'm learning Jesus.  Slowly.  But I'm learning.

Fill me anew with Your peace.  Bless me with Your wisdom.  Go before me Lord, preparing the hearts and every situation so that even though I'm usually unprepared - You somehow manage to daily do the impossible through me.

Give me Your eyes.  Help me to see those that you are after regardless of their outward appearance.  Soften my tongue and slow me down so that I will pause for each of these.

Lord, continue to cover my family.  I leave so many 'mom' jobs half un-done but You constantly take up the slack.  Continue to reveal to my children that our lives are not our own - but Yours. Encourage us as we lay down our 'rights' and instead seek Your will.  Thank you God for my wacky husband that has grown to love my mess!  That is truly a miracle of Your doing in his heart!

Thank you Lord that Your will is a plan for good and not for evil.  That Your will is abundant life.  Just let us crave those things of eternal value and play our small yet huge role in Your Kingdom.  

We love you so much.

Entry #11

As you've probably gathered, I believe one way to be a good steward of the things God is doing in your life is to RECORD them.  Sometimes it is for you to be encouraged with later when times are tough and you find yourself discouraged, sometimes God will use if for others wherever they are in the journey but mostly it is for me to see more clearly what God has done and THANK Him for it!  

The past month has been like a whirlwind of God activity and getting things recorded actually slipped my priorities and I hate that!  So, a little catch up!

We have been absolutely having a blast with the kids!  Doing all kinds of stuff like talent shows, making Christmas wreaths, lots more cooking together (SHOUT out to Coach Jenny for a show-stopping Asian dish!!!) and doing lots more work preparing the foundation for our God house in the backyard! 

 To those of you that have no clue what I mean by that last detail....about a month or so ago, I felt like the Lord showed me HIS great desire to connect with these kids in a way that ONLY He can.  It really hit me b/c my favorite and deepest times with the Lord are ALONE, usually at my house.  I started thinking about the kids having a regular opportunity to feel alone with Him.  Now THAT got me excited.  At the same time I was reading Red Moon Rising by Pete Greigg....highly recommend it!  This book tells all about the powerful prayer movement going literally around the WORLD.  Basically, it is a very loose concept of different cultures/groups uniting in prayer having a specific location where people sign up to cover one hour time slots and committing to cover at least a week with 24/7 prayer.  The testimonies of how God is meeting these people is ASTOUNDING and how every site differs from each other got me ALL excited :).  Trust me, OURS guarantees to look different!  (A shack in our backyard-interior covered with chalkboard paint, bean bags & electricity for a simple form of heat and light.  Oh and jammin music of all varieties!!!)  

Well, we are well on the way to beginning to put the walls up on our God house.  Minus the brief interruption....while we were digging a trench one night for the electrical line- well, yeah, I started screaming (trying to be funny and break the monotany) that I had found a treasure map- only to discover it was a bag with my dead cat from 10 years ago in it.  Lovely.  Further proof- God does NOT call the EQUIPPED, He equips the called!  Thank you God!

2 weeks ago I saw the Lord do something that has still literally left me speechless (quite a feat in itself!)  We decided to have the kids write a simple "Christmas Wish List".  I felt quite certain that with all the people we knew backing us with prayer and support we could rally up some gifts for these kids.  

LONG story short!  THESE KIDS WERE SHOWERED WITH GIFTS!  The response was PHENOMENAL!  Man, God showed off!  For a week straight, I was fielding calls and emails getting kids matched to families that didn't even know them but wanted to give to them!  Literally, over 50 families got involved and 2 companies!  AND IT'S STILL COMING IN!!!

We decided to take it a step further and do my favorite part....RELATIONSHIP!  Let's have these families not only commit to praying for these kids but let's let them MEET eachother to show love and gratitude.  So, yesterday we invited all those involved to come to our house for what I thought would be a simple, casual come and go desert.  At one point, there were over 60 people in our living room!   I know God was a'smilin ear to ear!  

This has been the sweetest Christmas present I've ever been given!  Other than baby Jesus of course!  Sometimes it's easy to see all the crap and selfishness in our world and think, "Does anyone get it?  It's not about homework, carpools and dance lessons!? It's about making a difference not only in YOUR OWN family but in the lives of others!"  Wow, the body of Christ has once again overwhelmed me!

2 quick very cool stories about this to share (could go on and on but will limit to 2! more later! :)

First....the night we were filling out the wishlists with the kids one of the boys was pretty stuck as far as getting his wishes written down.  Keep in mind, just a few months ago, this boy DID NOT TALK, SMILE or make eye contact with anyone.  Now he's laughing, making others laugh and even ditched his signature hat he's always hid under!  So I'm talking to him and I'm like, "Ok dude, let's hear it...what would you like for Christmas?"  He goes, "Coach Julz, I just want a Wii."  Oh dang, ok what do I say?!  "Well, ok, let's put that down and come up with some other ideas."  Nope, that's it.  I just want a Wii.  Hmmm, I looked around at the other adults signaling, "Help me out here!"  No luch.  I said, "Well, ok listen...we don't know the financial situations of the people that may buy you a gift so let's just put some other things down, just in case."  He goes, "Well ok, but that's all I want." 

Now, don't ask me why I said this b/c as I was going to bed later that night, it really bugged me that I said this, but I go, "Well, if God wants you to have a Wii...then He'll find a way for you to get a Wii."  

The next morning I get up, look at my cell phone and realize I had a missed call from the evening before while we were with the kids(shocker - the volume of Tuesday nights is INSANE!)  So I sit there listening to the time stamp and message and am left completely speechless!.....Here's the closest I can get to word for word.

Julie, this is so and so and well, my husband got an unexpected bonus yesterday and really felt like he was supposed to do something specific with it.  He wants to buy a Wii for one of your kids.

End of story!  Man, God is so personal and beyond our wildest imaginations!  Yeah, God we totally chalk that one up to YOU and not coincidence as the world would like to say!

Final story...

Before the party, I started calling the mom of 5 of the kids and the grandma of the other 5 kids to make sure the kids would be ready to be picked up.  To my surprise, BOTH of them said to the same effect...."I'M COMING TOO!  There is no way I'm going to let all these people give to us without telling them myself how thankful I am!"  AND THEY CAME!

Let me just tell you, that is FRUIT to this chick!  Slowly but surely, the consistent love of Christ is reaching their hearts too.  Children may be quick to run to His feet but adults usually take a little more time.  Oh Jesus, continue to draw them to YOU!  

We love You so much and want nothing more than to have others know Your love too!

God bless you all this Christmas!