Entry #6

Happy Birthday dear Makia!

For most of us, assumption on my part, our kids birthdays arrive like this....

1.  A couple weeks prior, we have brainstormed the 'theme' .

2.  Asked our child about a 'wish list'.

3.  Purchased and sent out invitations....etc etc...

Tonight was a different kind of birthday party.

Makia turned 9 today, September 30, 2008.

Five years ago, she was dropped off at a homeless shelter with her 4 siblings by a mother she would not see for many years to come.

The Lord works in mysterious ways alright.

He had a plan that these 5 precious children would not be left abandoned.

Makia's youngest brother had a different dad.  This dad, who disappeared before his son was walking, had a Believing mother.  And this grandmother clear across the country, upon hearing the news, packed her bags and headed to rescue her grandson.  When she arrived and realized that all 5 children had been abandoned she did what she believed was the only thing there was to do.

She took them all in as her own.

That was 7 years ago.  

Grandma "Sharon" has spent the last 7 years moving from one subsidized housing apartment to another, doing the best she could do.  While she is unable to provide them with much as far as 'wordly pleasures' go, she has passed on a genuine love for the Lord that amazes me.

A few months ago I was driving these kids around when the oldest daughter, 12 mind you, said, "Coach Julz, I just get frustrated with myself!  I've got to hurry up and read the WHOLE Bible before Jesus gets back.  I've read a lot of it, but I still have a lot left!  How much have you read?"

You can imagine my speechlessness.

Ok, so tonight, we celebrated Makia's 9th birthday.  It was beautiful.  We charred hot dogs over a campfire, jumped too many kids for safety on a sagging trampoline, and were led by the most off-key 2 year old - as we sang the loudest Happy Birthday Cha-Cha-Cha you've ever heard.  

Our family has many colors, many stories, and much love.

Happy Birthday Makia.  

You are not abandoned or forgotten.

You are loved.

And you are a beautiful child of God.

Entry #5

Ok, to all one, possibly 2 of you, that are reading this...hahaha...I've got to change things up a bit.

It's like for several days, the past entrys were just a'comin right along and then I hit a wall.  Wasn't sure why but this is all I can come up with....

I've spent most of my life either trying to block out and forget the past or be healed from it, and that's made it a bit challenging for me to focus so much on the past.

Sooooo.....

I'm going to fast forward A LOT and start sharing about my daily journey for awhile.  Who knows maybe some of the past will come easier for you and me! ha!

I'm really in a new season.  For many years, the things I DID defined me.  When I look back at some really cool things I've had the blessing of being a part of I am sooo grateful!  I have no regrets b/c I know they shaped who I am today.  

BUT, I will say that this season has some very new themes....

JUST BE, enjoy, KNOW Him 1st and let the rest fall into place, learn about the people around you, don't just 'politely' listen....hear their heart.  You get the picture.

I'm finding so much more freedom in this season.  Here's the real kicker...the more I live this way, the more things seem to be falling into place.  The old me always had SO much work to be done that I was missing moments of my life.  I was even missing a lot of the people I know He was leading to me to learn from.  I will admit I'm sad about that.  I like to say, I LOVE SPRING and FALL, but without winter and summer would I love them as much???  As I look back at the years of 'working' for the Lord, I can appreciate this season of just chilling with Him that much more.  

So, these days instead of 'leading any programs' to reach the kids of the community, I'm just hanging with them, living life with them, laughing some weeks and crying the next.  It's really beautiful.  No one has 'expectations' of what we'll do to reach the kids, no meetings to arrange details, no meetings to gain permission for certain things, etc.  Will it always be like this?  Probably not, but for now it is and I'm getting a real kick out of it.  

Makes me think of relating to my own kids.  If they were always trying to work their butts off to make sure I loved them, it would make me so sad.  Guess that's how I feel about me and God right now.  As long as I keep my heart open so that He can talk to me,  I'll be so confident of how much He loves me and from there I am a more genuine encourager in this thing we call life.

Every week we spend time hanging out with these kids and doing the most random silly things. This week we went to the Rose Garden and had a scavenger hunt.  When we got there with about 11 kids, they were each thinking about the same thing, "LAME!"  Since I've been around them for a few years I've learned a VERY important rule of thumb...DONT LET THE FIRST 30 MINUTES TOGETHER GET YOU DOWN.  Just keep loving the snot out of them until they chill.  (My husband is trying to get this one down still!)  They just have to 'detox' from the dysfunction that most of them live in 24/7/365.  

So we divided the kids up into teams of 2 and sent them off in search of some roses.  It was awesome to watch the little ones attack the mission fully abandoned to just have fun!  The middle age ones tried to develop a system, and the older ones tried as hard as they could to pretend they were freaking miserable.  I was on a team this time so I couldn't just sit and watch them (which I LOVE to do) but as I would run into a team it cracked me up!  Some were cheating, some didn't want to rush and skip smelling the roses (too cool!) and some were totally ticked that the others were cheating and needed justice to be served before they could continue.  

I could go on and on about the details of the night but this stood out to me....

From eating pizza, climbing on a roof (I'm a hopeless rule breaker remember ;) , searching for roses, going to QT for prizes, etc .....WE WERE LIVING LIFE TOGETHER.  

The only agenda, was to be together.  Ahhhh.  

That is the freedom I'm talking about.  

How often do we miss life b/c we have things scheduled to the minute.  If the Holy Spirit's job is to guide us (which I believe it is), how hard do we make it to do that?  I really 'get' that there has to be some sort of organization but really, do we always have to have every i dotted and t crossed?  I'm finding the really amazing stuff happens when we don't.

I learned that one kid is being asked to sell drugs to pay the bills at home, one girl showed me every blasted cheer she knew, another boy 8 years old-felt safe enough to start talking for the first time in a group, and the one who thought the Rose Garden was beyond stupid- couldn't wait to find out when we were coming to get him again!   

When I look back at most of what I used to do,  I see that just about everything had an agenda.  First- greeting, second- ice breaker, third - worship, fourth- lesson, fifth - invitation, sixth - a hurried dismissal.  Where in that plan could any of the things I just described have taken place?

Do I have things figured out?  Nope.  

But I'm enjoying breathing again.  

Lot's less pressure now that I'm learning how to live loved and love in return.

Night!

Entry #3

It's been fun writing about how the Lord began to open my eyes.  Not only am I reliving some amazing memories, but I've found myself thinking about it throughout the day.  Yesterday when I sat down to write, I felt a tugging at my Spirit.  

I sat still for a moment to talk with God about it.  Then and there, He reminded me, that even the task of writing about this journey must be done IN HIM.  To not take this task upon myself and to simply allow Him to retell the stories through me.  Enjoy the process Julie, dont be so focused on the end result.

Isn't He just amazing?  I don't know about you ...but so often I find myself moving full steam ahead with all the things I can do for Him.  Before I know it, it's all about me again.  Yuck.  

With that said, I sit here again asking Him, what do You want me to share? 

 

Here goes...

The last two entries have been about how the Lord led me into discovering my heart for these community kids and my deep desire to love them like He does.  That all began in 2006.  It's now the end of 2008.  

I'm going to summarize the rest of that 'school year' community class by saying that every Wednesday night got more and more exciting.  I remember racking my brain every week for God to give me ideas about how to make His Word come alive to these kids and ways to create atmospheres that would allow them to experience His love and then describe it.  I remember one night I decorated the ceilings with balloons with little messages inside.  I think the idea was to have them 'work together' in teams to discover how much more could be accomplished by WORKING TOGETHER for Him.  (Wow, team building was a constant neccesity!)  Anyway, the game was a joke....they destroyed just about every piece of school property they touched. Live and learn.    Success is getting up one more time than you fall down.

Another night, I remember having them just lay down (5 ft away from their neighbor so they couldn't smack each other!) and listen to music.  Don't know if you've ever heard of Jason Upton, but he has an amazing way of just singing in the Spirit forever.  They were sooo skeptical of the idea at first but after a couple minutes, I just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks.  These kids really wanted to know Him.  I think by this point they could tell I really dug Him and it wasn't just about 'teaching them lessons for stickers'.  I could watch their little angry bodies one by one begin to relax and really listen.  I've always clung to what the Holy Spirit said to me that night, "It's all beginning with these kids Julie."  Little did I know what that meant but it sure did deposit some peace in me.

Over the next 6 months, I got in so much trouble.  I wasn't trying to, but I broke all the rules.  One night, I left the kids unattended while I chased a boy out of the building.  As I was running I said,  "You can leave but I will always love you and welcome you back." He stopped dead in his tracks.  He was angry about a little discipline I had given him and went into 'autopilot' mode.  "No one tells ME what to do, I'm outta here!"  The simple words, "I love you.  You're always welcome here." messed with him.  After he froze, I just walked back to see if the other kids had killed each other yet (they had only mildly maimed each other) and a few minutes later he came walking back in. Head hanging low, not wanting to talk about it, was his way of signaling to me that he didn't really want to leave.  No words were necessary.  Man, my heart was smilin!

Another night, towards the end of the school year,  I wanted them to understand how humble and servant like Jesus was.  I played a clip from a movie that showed Jesus washing the feet of his disciples at the Last Supper.   I almost never cry but when the clip finished it was all I could do.  After I pulled my little bit of cool together,  I began explaining to them that in this life Jesus wants us to know His love SO much that we naturally begin to serve others as an outpouring of gratitude for what He has done for us.  In their home environments this is pretty unheard of.  You take what you can get - while you can get it....period.  If you're the youngest in the home, you're basically screwed.  So to watch them listening to this and really taking it in was quite a sight.  

So I told them, if they would let me, I really wanted to wash their feet.  Of course, there were a couple expected giggles and "nasty!" comments, but one by one, they willingly allowed me to do so.  While I washed their feet I prayed for each of them.  That He would bless them, make Himself known to them, and always be with them to show them where to go.  They were so reverent it kinda freaked me out!  Now they were in a long line waiting for their turn.  Once again, I had broken another rule, we were way past time to get out of class and the kids were giving up their bball time in the gym to wait for their turn!  As we finished, I told them all how much I loved them and began to pack up my stuff.  I noticed 2 of them whispering to each other and then they finally came over to share what was going on.  They wanted to wash MY feet and pray for ME!  You've never seen flip flops come off so fast.  As they began to wash my feet, the other kids that were just sitting back watching, one by one began to circle around me and lay their hands on me and take turns praying!  

I was forever ruined.  

No longer was I loving them.  THEY were loving me.  And He was loving us all.

By writing all of this I am reminded of what He is constantly showing me.  When we feel like we are being called to 'sacrifice' we need to be prepared to be blessed.  We may not always be able to see the blessing, but more often than not He is really leading us into a situation where WE will be the one served.  

I am so thankful that He wired me to be drawn to children.  They are so much easier than adults.  They are quick to forgive, overlook most mistakes, and are always aching for love.

Thank you Father for these children.  

We love You so much.

Entry #2

To say I was thrown into a situation completely unprepared would be a massive understatement.  Just one week earlier, I had been asked to consider taking on a Wednesday night class of community kids that no one seemed to know what to do with.  I had heard they were 'unruly, disrespectful, and not able to keep up with what the other kids were learning'.  Oh sure!  I know just what to do and am completely qualified!  HA HA HA!  

The ONLY thing I had going for me was that I knew He had orchestrated my being here.  

Try to imagine this.  The 'church' kids are all gathered and politely socializing with one another while they are waiting for class to begin.  I'm kind of walking around, saying 'hey' to kids, and waiting for 'my crew' to arrive on the vans.  All kinds of thoughts are running through my head.  

Honestly, one of my main concerns was this...When the time came, how in the world was I going to get these 'community' kids to come with me to another classroom without causing them to feel 'excluded' or that they had done something wrong?  I had tried unsuccessfully to practice what my line would be, "Ok, all of you guys (wide gesture) come with me!"  or maybe "If you rode the van here, I want you to follow me."  Oh heck, this is 2007 for crying out loud, WHY are these kids being seperated?  I had NO comforting answers, only an assignment that was thankfully from Above.

WHAM.  They arrived.  There was no way to miss their arrival.  The atmosphere suddenly changed.  Wow, was there a new noise level.  The 'church' kids began to shrink back a bit as the community kids poured in putting on their best 'intimidate anyone and everyone' faces.  

One of the leaders shouted out, "Ok guys, come to the seats.  It's time for praise and worship!"  In some sort of controlled chaos we all ended up in at least that general vicinity.  The community kids had no clue who I was, why I was sitting with them and honestly could have cared less.  I was just one more adult that was going to try to control their behavior.

The music starts and all the 'church' kids stood up to worship.  As I stood there completely numb, I can still remember the numerous happenings that took place over the next 15 torturous minutes.

One of the kids kicked his feet up on the chair in front of him, signaling he was NOT going to be a part of 'worship', whatever that was!  Three girls began going through and loudly discussing the contents of one of their purses.  One poor girl just stood there scared to death, she knew she should stand but to cooperate would signal to her friends that she was a sell-out.  

I could feel the eyes of all the leaders looking at me like, "Whatcha gonna do?"  Just before I panicked, the most hillarious thing happened.  One of the community kids farted SO loud.  Well, that was all his friends needed to crank the noise level up a few more notches.  Heck, I couldn't decide if I should join them laughing, scold them like the leaders were waiting for me to do, or start bawling and run out of the room!

Knowing that none of those were wise choices, I did the only thing I knew to do.  I closed my eyes and began worshipping the Lord (if you can call it worship?!) from the most center place of my being I could find.  "Oh God, HELP ME!  You brought me here, now speak!  Tell me what in the heck I do!"  I'm certain my rambling pleas for mercy were much faster than that but suddenly a calm came over me.  I remember that as the peace began to wash over me, I heard in my heart the Lord ask me one 'simple' question.  

Can you love them?  

"Of course Lord!  But SHOW me what to do now!"

Julie.  Can you love them?

"I said YES, but what do I say when this music stops and I'm supposed to somehow get them to follow me!?"

Oh little one.  Can you love them?

Suddenly, a deep understanding came over me.  One that has sustained me through many trying times on this journey to where I am now.

"Love them.  What does that look like Lord?  How do I really do that?"

I had an almost immediate understanding that this would not be accomplished in a HUGE sense tonight.  It would simply be the beginning.  

Many things were going to be required for me to do this...

I could not look at them as a 'project' or 'ministry'.  I was to love them.

I could not expect them to trust me.  I was to love them.

I could not demand respect of them.  I was to love them.

Every adult was going to question my ability.   I was to love them.

Suddenly, I realized....none of these will ever be 'checkmarked'.  

To love them would be a journey...not a destination.

So the music wrapped.  Everyone BUT me was relieved and I sheepishly said, "Hey, let's go hang out down here and talk"  As I literally just tapped a few of their shoulders and hoped and prayed the others would follow.  Thankfully, they did.

God's sense of humor strikes again....

Just as we were leaving the room one of the 'church' kids shouted, "Can I come too?"

I wasn't expecting this at all.  But it struck me as hillarious.  "Of COURSE you can come, let's go!"

He didn't need me to 'know how', to 'plan', or to be 'qualified'.  

Simply to obey.

Good reminder for me today. :)

Bless u.

Entry #1

Tonight I realized something-

I gain so much insight and encouragement from other followers and their stories ~ that maybe (seems crazy!) others may gain the same from mine.  

So here goes...

3 years ago, I fit the "American Christian" mold perfectly.

Married, kids, well decorated house, semi-nice car, kids in private school and lessons, attended church (too many times a week to count), fellowshipped w/ other believers (frightening now, that's the ONLY people I hung out w/) and on and on....

I believed I was doing all He would ever ask me to do.

Fast forward 3 years and here I sit....

completely and beautifully wrecked.

Can't imagine those go together?  Neither could I.

Care to hear a little about where this all began?  If so, you're crazy like me (that's meant as a compliment ;) ) but keep reading.

One day I was driving down Peoria in Tulsa, from 61st to 51st.  I was going to be passing my church soon (which was rare that it wasn't my destination) and I found myself thinking, "Why is this church planted where it is? How is it possible that very few if any of the people I see walking around in this, what seems to be hopeless, community are ever IN our church?  Hmmmm...."

I've never even tried to give written words to what happened next.  What I'm about to tell you, I promise, will sound completely nuts.  And that is one of the main reasons I have kept it tucked away in MY heart for 3 years now...only sharing it with a few other silly people like me.  

Before I had time to even really come up with any possible 'rational' (I've honestly grown to despise that word) reasons, a vision opened up before my eyes.  If you are one that went to theology school, I'm sorry, I'm certain this will break all the rules....

I found myself following skateboarding kids down the road.  A stream of them seemed to be all headed the same direction....down the sidewalk, under the bridge and turning left. Again, before I had time to think, I found myself following along in my car in anticipation of finding out where they all were headed.  Suddenly, my 'rational' thinking kicked in.  "What the heck are you doing Julie? This isn't real.  Pay attention to traffic!"  In an instant, it all faded away.  

I sat there at the light,  white knuckling the wheel, with a very important and quick decision to make....

"Do I change the direction I should be headed (turning right) and instead go straight and under the bridge to see if anything's there?"  Something, I like to call crazy faith, took over and before I knew it, I was headed straight and under the bridge.  Instead of turning left under the bridge like I had seen the kids do, I decided to park across the street and try to sort things out.  Ha!  I had no clue WHAT to even sort out!

I just sat there staring at the location where they all seemed to be headed.  I'm not sure if I started asking God questions or not, but I remember just sitting there numb.  The 'rational' thoughts were pounding at the door, but I didn't even have the sense about me to entertain them.  I just sat staring.

Suddenly, I saw something that I'm certain no words can do justice.  But if you have been crazy enough to go this far...well I won't leave you hangin.

Light.  The whitest moving light I've ever seen.  Like a wind.  It was as though the light was traveling INTO this location and going OUT.  

As I sat there, I didn't even have it in me to think.  I just enjoyed it.

3 years later, I feel like I remember having the faint understanding that this light was LIFE.

Well, what does one do with this?  ha!  If you have an immediate answer that would probably scare me!  What did I do?  

I went to bed that night unsure if I would ever be able to share it with anyone.  I just started telling God...."I saw that.  I have no clue what it was, or what it means, but I saw that.  Please tell me anything you want me to know."

This is where the 'beautiful wrecking' all began.

A couple days later, I was at the church.  It was night time and I knew the praise team was practicing.  I  had decided to just go lay on one of the pews and talk to God.  (For this season I've had to ditch the word 'pray' because I have too many weird things attached to how bad I am at that....chillin' and chattin w/ Him I can do.)  

Honestly, didn't really hear anything back.  Just listened to people talk about music details that kinda made me sad for them.  Wow, that's all so technical how could you just get lost in worship?!  Hence, the reason He didn't give me one single musical gifting, ha!  Just glad they can do it!

So, disappointed, I started pulling out of the parking lot.  I noticed a light on in the storehouse (a building across the street from the church that ministers in many ways to the community).  "Hmmm, I know almost nothing about what goes on over there.  Maybe I should check it out."

As I walked in, I now find this hillarious, many humble servants of our church looked at me like, "Why is Julie here?"   GOOD QUESTION!   I felt completely awkward and unsure of WHY I WAS THERE!

  

I found the Community Outreach Pastor in his office completely overloaded with work piles in every corner and only a dim light on.  I remember feeling sad for his load.  Before I knew it, these words came falling out of my mouth, "Are there any areas you need volunteers in right now?"  Can't you just see the angels rolling around laughing at what I had just opened up!

It was cool because he just kind of sat there for a moment like, "Where in the heck do I even begin?!"  But then I'm certain he kinda did a mental survey of what my qualifications could possibly be and replied, "We really are in need of a teacher for a class of 10 or so community kids."  I gave the standard (correct but not sure what my motive was at the time) Christian answer, "Let me pray about it and get back to you."  Don't you just know he probably thought, "Heard that one before!"

Here I was again, rolling around on my pillow with ridiculous questions for God.  "Oh man, what the heck am I DOING?!  Am I as crazy as everyone already thinks I am?  Or are you doing this?"  

By the time I woke up (I know dad! 'awakened') the next morning, I was resolved as I could be.  "I'll say yes and give it a try!"  

And so it all began.  Guess I'll save the first night of my assignment for the next post.  This one is already much too long.  

One thing brings me great hope right now.  For the last 3 years, I have felt so crazy at times, that I find myself reading like a fanatic anything I can get my hands on that can tell me how revolutionaries felt at the BEGINNING of their journey.  Over and over, I see the same theme.  They had no clue what they were getting into. Only that they knew they would forever be miserable if they walked away.

Maybe you're like me.  God has put something inside of you that seems much bigger than anything YOU could have dreamed up.  

It is my sincere hope that recording this journey will not only bring ME closer to His heart, but will also stir up YOUR passion to go for it.  

As someone said to me just yesterday, "What if I'm wrong?  What if this is just me?  I know ONE THING.... I'd rather die knowing I loved well and tried to follow Him the best I knew how!"  

AMEN