Entry #13

I'm not sure I belong in America.

Don't take that wrong....in so many ways I'm grateful to be born here.  America is amazing.  Anyone can succeed.  This land is truly a melting pot that honors work ethic and is blessed by God.   But this Christmas,  I feel like I have been frozen in one of those numb places that I have visited many times before...where everything seems unsettled, slow-mo & not quite right.  This used to freak me out, when I felt like this, but I've been realizing more often than not - this is the Lord keeping me from settling in to get my attention to some details.

So bless your heart if you're reading this...I'm going to spill some of my details over the past month, especially the past few days.

For the past month, I've felt like I'm in a tug-of-war.   Like, "Where the heck to do I belong?!"  You see, I often feel like I CAN fit in many places...but WHERE do I FIT?  In this private school, upper class society or in HUD housing where I catch myself talking slang without meaning to?  That in itself is a hillarious dillemna b/c my kids school prides itself in excellent speech, which I am ALL for, but for some reason it seems like sometimes slang is an important 'relating' tool.  

So where am I leading?  Thank GOD I'm finally feeling some clarity about this myself!

While there is SO much I love about America, there is quite a bit I honestly despise too. 

Let me explain by telling you about my day today, which I believe was completely symbolic of what the Lord has been stirring up on the inside of me lately.

For Christmas this year, I was given $300 from my dad.  There was a catch though.  It had to be spent in a certain amount of time, only on yourself and at Woodland Hills.  So the fam loaded up (and went to Beverly! ha! no) and went to the mall bright and early for the after-Christmas sales.  I had spent a couple days thinking about what to get.   Looking @ my laundry room and closet, I knew that even though my clothes were ridiculously out-dated.... clothes would be a waste of $.  I kept trying to get myself to quit thinking like that but it was drving me nuts.  

I kept finding myself thinking...

What ARE clothes FOR?

A charade

or

necessity?

Well, living in America, this isn't a popular question to ask.

Don't get me wrong.  Once in awhile, I wear an outfit that just 'feels' good.   Like it is a good representation of 'who I am'.   But most of the time - it's a burden to me.

Today it was like I got that thought/feeling proven over and over.  

This is hillarious...check it out....

I went into Forever 21.  If I were still a teen, I know this would be my hangout.  

1/2 serious-1/2 not, all together in 1.  LOVE IT!  

But in that store, I was cracking up b/c I kept catching trendy clerks eyeing me like, "Ahhh, emergency in aisle 21!  Old lady!"  I kept ignoring it but trust me, it wasn't just me! ha!  (However, I did run into a 'God-thing'... I found MY T-SHIRT there!  Actually it was the 2 words I have a tattoo drawn out for but keep chickening out! - 

LIVE LOVE.

So, of course, I got it....that and a yellow rubber watch.

But then I went to the Gap.  It was like, "Ok, I fit in better here", but DANG - $60 BUCKS for a pair of jeans!?  So I went to Macy's and got a cuter pr for $20- SWEET!

Then just before we left the mall, for whatever ?reason? I went into JCrew.  While some of their pants looked extremely comfy I couldn't help but notice clerks sizing me up like, "She doesn't belong here."  Yeah, in the past, I used to be WAY over-sensitive in this area but it didn't seem like I was being paranoid...just perceptive.  So I passed on dropping any $ there :).  But I did splurge on one more thing b4 I left the mall, some gray Converse! sweet!

So, where did all this leave me?  

Well, I just couldn't help it, as I walked around the packed mall I was overwhelmed with one theme....

SEARCHING.

In all different extremes/ways people were searching.

Like ONE more thing would help something.

So here I am tonight, out on the town in my pj pants and Converse (they are nice, lol) wondering, 

"Will I EVER fit in?"

more to the point...

"Do I WANT to?"

Honestly....no.

I really don't WANT to.

I want clothes to cover me.

Sure, a scarf can add a little spice from time to time.

But what I want is for my $ and time to make a difference.  

Not in how I, Julie Knapp, feel about myself...but what it may add to someone else's life.

Sounds pretty darn noble huh? LOL!  Please don't let me fool you.  

This next phrase may freak some out but I've weighed putting it in here and got to....

I've been known to break down from time to time and buy a pack of smokes on a stressful night and totally waste 5 bucks and a lot of health, so trust me I've got my own thorns and vices....

But this Christmas, I'm looking at America and thinking, "Oh come on Lord, please, just move me where I fit in a little better!"  Dangerous prayer to pray, I know.  But I'm pretty sure I mean it.  Yeah, even for my kids.

When I talk like this, I can't even begin to tell you how many people voice their concern about the safety of my children - but come on!  What is really more dangerous?!  Going where GOD leads US, regardless of supposed threat or living a life numb & trying to fit in where we don't seem to 'fit'?

One last thing, when I talk like this, I am in NO way condemning ANYONE else's choices!!!  I'm simply saying, "I really think He made me this way for a reason!"

So, please don't waste any time worrying about us! :)  Just do us a HUGE favor and pray God's will for our lives!  We simply want to be where He made us to be! And who knows, just maybe that's here feeling like a fish out of water in my groovy Converse & nifty rubber yellow watch! :)

Entry #12

Well, I just had it out with God.  (Kinda sorry if that offends you, but I do it regularly and He doesn't seem to mind.)  

I was folding laundry and trying to track my impossible to-do-list while I was working.  Most days it seems I'm falling behind in every area.  Sometimes, I even feel like I live 2 separate lives and that really bothers me.  One world is trying in every possible way to maintain our normal American lives ....clothes that fit and match, appropriate clothes for numerous Christmas parties, holiday-decorated house, clean & pressed uniforms, reading logs, etc etc! The other world is constantly trying to listen to the Lord for helping the 'rest of our family' that we are not related.  Who has heat and who doesn't, who has lost their hat & a glove is walking to school freezing, who needs a ride to the doctor, a call to an agency, etc, ETC!

So, I'm going over all this with God, wallowing in self-pity and frustration with myself, "Lord, I'm really sucking at this!  Should I just go back to the way I used to live and try to keep up with that?!  When guess what He has the nerve to say? :)  

"Julz, you're doing great.  I love you."

Yeah, He has a way of making my burrowed eyebrows relax and turning my shaky pitiful questions into laughter.  Don't know how He does it, but He nails me just about everyday in such a beautiful way.

I just laid the laundry basket down, turned off the radio and decided to write to thank Him and hopefully bring encouragement to someone.

He's proud of us.  

He does not expect perfection....only we do.  

He sees our heart...not the constant falling-behind to-do list.

He waits to bring us comfort as we hurry around like a chicken with our head cut off.

I'm learning Jesus.  Slowly.  But I'm learning.

Fill me anew with Your peace.  Bless me with Your wisdom.  Go before me Lord, preparing the hearts and every situation so that even though I'm usually unprepared - You somehow manage to daily do the impossible through me.

Give me Your eyes.  Help me to see those that you are after regardless of their outward appearance.  Soften my tongue and slow me down so that I will pause for each of these.

Lord, continue to cover my family.  I leave so many 'mom' jobs half un-done but You constantly take up the slack.  Continue to reveal to my children that our lives are not our own - but Yours. Encourage us as we lay down our 'rights' and instead seek Your will.  Thank you God for my wacky husband that has grown to love my mess!  That is truly a miracle of Your doing in his heart!

Thank you Lord that Your will is a plan for good and not for evil.  That Your will is abundant life.  Just let us crave those things of eternal value and play our small yet huge role in Your Kingdom.  

We love you so much.

Entry #11

As you've probably gathered, I believe one way to be a good steward of the things God is doing in your life is to RECORD them.  Sometimes it is for you to be encouraged with later when times are tough and you find yourself discouraged, sometimes God will use if for others wherever they are in the journey but mostly it is for me to see more clearly what God has done and THANK Him for it!  

The past month has been like a whirlwind of God activity and getting things recorded actually slipped my priorities and I hate that!  So, a little catch up!

We have been absolutely having a blast with the kids!  Doing all kinds of stuff like talent shows, making Christmas wreaths, lots more cooking together (SHOUT out to Coach Jenny for a show-stopping Asian dish!!!) and doing lots more work preparing the foundation for our God house in the backyard! 

 To those of you that have no clue what I mean by that last detail....about a month or so ago, I felt like the Lord showed me HIS great desire to connect with these kids in a way that ONLY He can.  It really hit me b/c my favorite and deepest times with the Lord are ALONE, usually at my house.  I started thinking about the kids having a regular opportunity to feel alone with Him.  Now THAT got me excited.  At the same time I was reading Red Moon Rising by Pete Greigg....highly recommend it!  This book tells all about the powerful prayer movement going literally around the WORLD.  Basically, it is a very loose concept of different cultures/groups uniting in prayer having a specific location where people sign up to cover one hour time slots and committing to cover at least a week with 24/7 prayer.  The testimonies of how God is meeting these people is ASTOUNDING and how every site differs from each other got me ALL excited :).  Trust me, OURS guarantees to look different!  (A shack in our backyard-interior covered with chalkboard paint, bean bags & electricity for a simple form of heat and light.  Oh and jammin music of all varieties!!!)  

Well, we are well on the way to beginning to put the walls up on our God house.  Minus the brief interruption....while we were digging a trench one night for the electrical line- well, yeah, I started screaming (trying to be funny and break the monotany) that I had found a treasure map- only to discover it was a bag with my dead cat from 10 years ago in it.  Lovely.  Further proof- God does NOT call the EQUIPPED, He equips the called!  Thank you God!

2 weeks ago I saw the Lord do something that has still literally left me speechless (quite a feat in itself!)  We decided to have the kids write a simple "Christmas Wish List".  I felt quite certain that with all the people we knew backing us with prayer and support we could rally up some gifts for these kids.  

LONG story short!  THESE KIDS WERE SHOWERED WITH GIFTS!  The response was PHENOMENAL!  Man, God showed off!  For a week straight, I was fielding calls and emails getting kids matched to families that didn't even know them but wanted to give to them!  Literally, over 50 families got involved and 2 companies!  AND IT'S STILL COMING IN!!!

We decided to take it a step further and do my favorite part....RELATIONSHIP!  Let's have these families not only commit to praying for these kids but let's let them MEET eachother to show love and gratitude.  So, yesterday we invited all those involved to come to our house for what I thought would be a simple, casual come and go desert.  At one point, there were over 60 people in our living room!   I know God was a'smilin ear to ear!  

This has been the sweetest Christmas present I've ever been given!  Other than baby Jesus of course!  Sometimes it's easy to see all the crap and selfishness in our world and think, "Does anyone get it?  It's not about homework, carpools and dance lessons!? It's about making a difference not only in YOUR OWN family but in the lives of others!"  Wow, the body of Christ has once again overwhelmed me!

2 quick very cool stories about this to share (could go on and on but will limit to 2! more later! :)

First....the night we were filling out the wishlists with the kids one of the boys was pretty stuck as far as getting his wishes written down.  Keep in mind, just a few months ago, this boy DID NOT TALK, SMILE or make eye contact with anyone.  Now he's laughing, making others laugh and even ditched his signature hat he's always hid under!  So I'm talking to him and I'm like, "Ok dude, let's hear it...what would you like for Christmas?"  He goes, "Coach Julz, I just want a Wii."  Oh dang, ok what do I say?!  "Well, ok, let's put that down and come up with some other ideas."  Nope, that's it.  I just want a Wii.  Hmmm, I looked around at the other adults signaling, "Help me out here!"  No luch.  I said, "Well, ok listen...we don't know the financial situations of the people that may buy you a gift so let's just put some other things down, just in case."  He goes, "Well ok, but that's all I want." 

Now, don't ask me why I said this b/c as I was going to bed later that night, it really bugged me that I said this, but I go, "Well, if God wants you to have a Wii...then He'll find a way for you to get a Wii."  

The next morning I get up, look at my cell phone and realize I had a missed call from the evening before while we were with the kids(shocker - the volume of Tuesday nights is INSANE!)  So I sit there listening to the time stamp and message and am left completely speechless!.....Here's the closest I can get to word for word.

Julie, this is so and so and well, my husband got an unexpected bonus yesterday and really felt like he was supposed to do something specific with it.  He wants to buy a Wii for one of your kids.

End of story!  Man, God is so personal and beyond our wildest imaginations!  Yeah, God we totally chalk that one up to YOU and not coincidence as the world would like to say!

Final story...

Before the party, I started calling the mom of 5 of the kids and the grandma of the other 5 kids to make sure the kids would be ready to be picked up.  To my surprise, BOTH of them said to the same effect...."I'M COMING TOO!  There is no way I'm going to let all these people give to us without telling them myself how thankful I am!"  AND THEY CAME!

Let me just tell you, that is FRUIT to this chick!  Slowly but surely, the consistent love of Christ is reaching their hearts too.  Children may be quick to run to His feet but adults usually take a little more time.  Oh Jesus, continue to draw them to YOU!  

We love You so much and want nothing more than to have others know Your love too!

God bless you all this Christmas!

Entry #10

Tonight the Lord was showing me something really cool and I sincerely hope it encourages you as much as it has me!  I’ll give it my best shot to explain….

If you’ve read some of my journey over the past couple years, this will probably make more sense to you but if not, no worries,  I’ll give a brief update.

A couple years ago, I began feeling something new inside of me.  I’m certain it had been there all along, but either it was God’s timing for me to discover it or I had just finally gotten quiet enough to feel it.  There was a deep longing inside of me to be a light in a really dark place.  That place was the community of 61^st and Peoria.  I think it’s the first and second entry on here that tell more about how I took my first steps into all this but suffice to say, it didn’t feel like I babystepped my way into it (gotta love, What About Bob!)… it felt more like I was thrown into very deep waters with only a small life preserver. 

I had a certainty that God had brought me to this place but what to do from there… was way beyond me.   I’m going to try to explain some revelation He gave me tonight about what happened next.

God gave me a simple and beautiful love, hunger and vision to be used among these people.  But just like everything else in my life, I have a tendency to go overboard, full steam ahead assuming (yikes) if it comes along this path, well it’s gotta be God!

 

Insert the picture from above in THIS SPOT!  (Dang couldn't get it to load yet, will do soon, but it's me preachin to lots o kiddos)

 

Reaching LOTS of lonely and confused kids in a very dark place…HELLO! no brainer….that’s gotta be GOD!  Hmmm.

Not completely sure.

You see, I was still operating in the world’s mindset of 'the bigger the better'!  How can we get MORE KIDS, DO MORE, GIVE MORE, RECRUIT MORE, RAISE MORE $MOOLA$, ETC ETC ETC.

For the life of me, I just couldn’t understand why the turmoil and frustration was not only growing, but brewing OVER, on the inside of me.  “This is HUGE God!  Can’t You see how MANY we’re reaching?!  Didn’t YOU call me here?!  Everyone in the church ‘approves’ of what we’re doing, in fact they're ranting and raving!  Why do I feel like this…. if it ‘appears’ to be going SO well?!  Give me peace Lord!”

Yeah, no matter how much I tried to ignore it, it just wasn’t there.

So what did I do?  UGH….I put on that happy, Christian, “Praise the Lord!” face and marched full steam ahead!  But you know what, inside I was dying!  The best words I can find to describe it is, the YOKE was heavy!  Ok, yeah, that’s Christianese'ish …sorry.  Hmmm, try that again…I was stuck in this crappy place of performance. 

God is so cool.  Even though I can see the harsh reality of that now, I don’t blame the church at all!  I (capital and boldfaced I there!) was not only allowing this, I was FEEDING off of it!  It was like, the praise of man and reaching the lost was in some  FALSE way healing the wounds of my childhood that was still searching for approval at any cost. 

Now I know some of you may be thinking, “Dang Julz! Don’t beat yourself up!  Lots of good came out of it all.”  Yes, you’re right.  Just like everything else, Romans 8:28, God works ALL things for good for those called according to His purpose.  But let me tell you friend, the TRUTH has set me FREE!  Tonight someone sent me a letter that said one definition of simplicity is mental honesty.   And THAT is all I’m after here.  No guilt or condemnation….trust me, waded in those waters far too long.  Just honesty before the Lord.  I was plumb drowning in a weird mixture of trying to blend man’s approval with a genuine desire that the Lord had planted inside of me.

So, why do I share all of this (and by the way, UH OH, still haven’t gotten to the cool part!  Better get another cup of Joe! Ha!) ?  Well, honestly, my SINCERE hope is that my transparency may help someone else avoid this pitfall! 

Here’s the stinkin’ cool part….

Ok, so lately EVERYWHERE I turn is the topic of Moses.  Guess the Lord still has to send it from every flippin direction for me to realize “HELLO JULZ, this is ME, not YOU!”  If I told you all the ways the story of Moses has come to me over the past few weeks, you would crack up with me!  Well, I finally picked up this character study of Moses that mom has been telling me to read for months and dang, it’s GOOD!  I’m realizing just how commercialiazed most depictions of the guy are that I have seen.  It’s way too easy to gloss over some really important facts about his life and just picture the dude with the burning bush, staff in hand, and the parting waters. 

So, try to go here with me for a minute. 

Moses is born into one people group (the Israelites), given up by his mother through total faith in God to the Pharoah’s daughter, raised in a palace being trained and taught by the highest standards, and then is thrust into this reality of the inhumane treatment his people (the Israelites) were experiencing at the hand of the Egyptians.  You may know this story well, but if u don’t it’s fascinating reading….Exodus. 

So Moses sees how harshly his ‘new people’ are treating his ‘old people’.  He strikes out against an Egyptian that is pummeling an Israelite.  The guy doesn’t just strike, he snuffs the guy out and hides him in the sand!  He returns the next day expecting a parade from Israelites for his bravery and ‘true to his roots’ demonstration.  No such luck. Not only is there no 'welcoming committee', they are in a brawl amongst themselves and ready to call him out on his act of murder.

This sends Moses into a tailspin.  “What have I done?  What is going to happen to me?”  In fact, Pharoah sends men out to kill Moses, his adopted grandson! 

Bam, Moses is out of there!  Fleeing the scene of the crime!  Mind you, he is 40 years old at this point.  Next thing he knows, he’s in absolute despair in a desolate dessert for cryin out loud!  Cool tidbit ;), he finds himself sitting next to a well.

Ok, so I’ll chill on the details and get to the point.  Moses went from thinking he was ALL that and a bag of chips to complete isolation in the desert, and you know what... it was the best thing that could have happened to him.  There was no more wealth or education being thrown at his feet.  No more approval.  No more validation.  No more ‘cause to live for’.  No more.   No more.  No more. 

Just him in the desert trying to decide if he would talk to his only companion, God, or not. 

Now Lord, give me mercy for even attempting to draw parrallels here but I gotta.

The last 4 months of my life have felt like the desert!  Hasn’t been much favor with man, no comfort of people ‘understanding’ where I was with God, at times it even seemed like there wasn’t much ‘cause' He could use me in anymore.

Yeah, that sucks and while I know that WAS NOT true….it was MY perception of where I was.

Turns out, God was not only getting a kick out of it….HE HAD PUT ME HERE!  SAWEET!  (Well, I can say that now, but ask Chris there were plenty of nights with no ‘saweets!’ coming out of this mouth! Ha!)   

What’s next?  No clue.  Honestly……HONESTLY……I’M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT!  He has blessed me with a season of new eyes.  I can actually see the beautiful people He has put around me now both to BE encouraged by and TO encourage.  We don’t worry so much about where it all is headed, what it will look like, and what the PLAN is.  We just enjoy being together, talking more about God than us, and relaxing in the fact that HE is in control not us.  Guess I always SAID that, but man, my actions didn’t back that up so much. 

The second picture above is a much better depiction of where I am now.  No team to lead.  No program to plan.  No agendas.  Well, I take that back.  Only one agenda, talk about HIM every chance I get and how He is rockin my world. 

Man, you’re a trooper.  Thanks for reading all this.  Kinda cracks me up that it may be interesting to someone, but there u have it. 

Simply Julie Knapp getting glimpses of just how GREAT HE IS!

BLESS YA, BLESS YA, BLESS YA!

 

 

Entry #9

Ok, just gotta share the most beautiful experience I had with my daughter Bella.

This one's especially for all the mommas! :)

But of course, gotta give you a little background...

Lately, my family has been going through a really hmmmm interesting, tough, stretching, honestly unsure season.  About 6 months ago, we felt the Lord was leading us to move on from some places where we had become very happily contented and comfortable.  Mainly, our church home for 8 years.  We spent about 2 months dialoguing what this could possibly mean and where we were headed if not here?  During those 2 months, I was constantly remembering a plaque my mom always had up in our home...."Sometimes faith isn't faith until it's all your standing on."

It felt like not only were we being asked to go out on a limb but then saw it off!  Gotta be real....YUCK!   I was desperate to at least have SOME inkling of understanding of where we were headed before we left.  Yeah, no such luck.

So lots of details left out...for the past 4 months we have been doing church very unorthodox for this clan.  Some weeks at home, some weeks in living rooms with close friends, some weeks just accepting that we had been doing CHURCH all week and there was no need for a Sunday morning checkmark (This one was probably the toughest challenge to my religous thinking!)

The reason I share this is not AT ALL to discourage 'organized' church.  It's just that for this season He has called US to be comfortable with HIM and small groups of fellowship.  

Well, one of our biggest challenges has come from the peace of mind that  'children's programs' had always brought us.   I realize that daily I mess things up with my kids but this was an area I REALLY didn't want to handle wrongly!  A few times over the past few months we have loaded up the kiddos and gone church visiting to see how God is moving in so many beautiful ways around our city.  But I must admit, as we would drive out of those parking lots, deep inside I could feel an "Ahhh, my kids were IN church today, no worries!"  Silly I know, but honesty rocks, right? :) 

So, YESTERDAY....my sweet sweet Bella is watching a movie with me when out of nowhere she goes, "MOM, I've got a great idea!  I'll be RIGHT back!"  And off she ran.  I was like, "Uh oh, what now?  We already made flour and water nasty GREEN cookies today, what next?"  

What happened next literally left me beautifully speechless...

Bella reappeared carrying 2 green cookies and a sippy cup with water.  She proudly announced, "Let's have communion!"  

So there we sat on her brother's bed and after we took a bite of these YUMMY ( wink, wink) cookies she says, "Thank you Jesus for how much you love us."  Then handed me the sippy cup, signaling I should take a drink, and said, "Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me!"  

And that was it.  The most beautiful, non-religious, child-like communion I've ever been graced to participate in.

Then she whispered to me, "Don't get me wrong, I like the juice at churches but my cookies are much better than their bread."

We love you Jesus and thank you for teaching us through children.

Entry #8

Disclaimor: this outta be a dangerous post.....I usually wait at least 24 hours for the fog to clear b4 writing about our adventures together!  

Tonight was amazing with the kids.

Gonna let u in on a little secret we aren't telling them...

We are preparing to build a little God house in our backyard.  Big vision....it will be mightily used in the 24/7 prayer movement that is spreading like wildfire and bringing communities together all over the world.

So for the past couple weeks, my husband and I have been patiently waiting on God to give us some vision for this project.  (I'm famous for full-steam ahead...blowout....hence the reason God matched me with a detail guy, ugh! ;)  We've had lots of late night talks, time praying together, etc and just kinda sitting on it till we felt it was time to begin.

Last night, as we were praying about what step #1 would look like and what to tell the kids, it was pretty darn cool to see how God unfolded some understanding for us.  

See if u can relate...

I'm a total visionary at heart.  Guess I get that from my dreamer dad.  That can be an enormous gift when u surround yourself with detail/management people, but more often than not I just see a vision and get so stirred up about getting started that I suddenly have 20 people standing around me going, "Dang, Julz, it's gotta be good if you're this excited about it!  Start sharing and we're here to help, point us in the right direction!"

"YIKES!  Didn't really plan this one out guys, don't u just see the big picture?!"  

Yeah, not so good.

So, as Chris and I were praying last night, (Don't get any lofty visions of that in your head....we were practically passed out across the playroom floor after the kids crashed and turned our lethargy into a great opportunity to pray....funny how God honors that! ;)  well, God did!  

He started showing Chris, much to my immediate frustration, 

"One STEP at a time.  Don't get ahead of me."

Tonight's agenda....

Make stepping stones that will lead up to the prayer/God house.  Don't even go into the whole house part, just dialogue about times God has asked u to do something.  Ouch.  That doesn't include my typical RUNNING down a trail full speed does it?  

We had the kids come and cook for each other...which went amazingly well and then made some rockin' stepping stones while listening to some rap music.  Pretty fine time indeed.

So the question I pose to you is the same stinkin' (I mean beautiful!) question He's asking me...  

What did I ask you to do last?  

Doing it?

Thinking about it?

Procrastinating it?

Intimidated by it?

Need more info before you take it?

Yeah, lately I'm doing a lot of sorting out His voice from the enemie's taunts and I'm thinking there are some steps He's waiting on me to take.  

I'm sure I'll let u know how it goes! :)

Love ya!

Entry #7

Ownership.

Lately, I'm trying to wrap my silly little head around that one.

Can someone really appreciate/respect something they feel they have no 'ownership' in?

I'm thinking not.

If you ever find yourself reading this blog for answers to life, bless your heart!  

I seem to know only one, Jesus.  

Past that, I'm figuring it out as I screw it up! :)

So, here's what got me thinking along these lines...

Last week we (my hubby and I) made a major 'shift' in our approach to loving on these kids.  (That sounded like a stinky agenda)  Guess you could just say, what we were doin' wasn't workin' and we decided to change things up a bit.  

Sure we were loving the snot out of these kids, taking them all sorts of fun and crazy places, but something was missing.  

Reality.

My kids....Ethan, Bella, and Isaiah, know I love them because they get to see me respond to them in so many different ways....wish I could say they were all positive but yeah, not so.  Tonight I made a new rule with my kids....

NEW RULE:  There is no need to say "MOM!" before you speak.  Just speak.  It seems that by the 156th time I hear mom in a day - I go mental.  Now I may regret this decision when everyone is blabbing away but you know, I'm figuring this parenting thing out....I received no 'certificate'! :)

So, just like that, my kids will get to see me sort through that rule.  Keep it, forget it, modify it, pull my hair out, whatever.  That is reality.   

Where am I going with this?  Glad u asked.  (You have no choice, you aren't here while I'm typing! )

Family.  It's messy.  It's very involved.  It's amazing, frustrating, hillarious, constantly evolving, and a true gift from God.  Today I read something that stood out to me, "God is more about relationships than what any 'one' person may do."  Theology, Sschmeelogy aside, I gotta agree.

If 'loving on these kids' ever becomes something WE do, then it really isn't worth doing.  Are we concerned with how these kids are responding or feeling about our times together...good and bad?  Do we want to play a REAL part in their lives or entertain them?  We are opting for the former.

Now, what does that look like?  We have some ideas that I'm certain we'll have to 'work out' together but I gotta say, they excite me.

Curious?  Well,  we are making the 'norm' meeting place our home, extending our time together, taking turns cooking meals for one another, doing homework, and yes, we plan to exploit their child labor while they're here and do some work around the house, ha!  

But finally I'm getting back to my opener.....ownership.

I believe some of these ideas will lead them to feel more ownership in our family and this thing called love.  I'm believing more importantly they will know Him in deeper ways through this too.

So, there you have it.  No answers.  Just a chick tossin out some facts about where I am.

Oh, and the next post:  designing and building a prayer shack in our back yard.  Dont worry, we aren't calling it a 'prayer' house to them....we are counting on God to spin this 'ownership' thing into that. :)

Much love.

Entry #6

Happy Birthday dear Makia!

For most of us, assumption on my part, our kids birthdays arrive like this....

1.  A couple weeks prior, we have brainstormed the 'theme' .

2.  Asked our child about a 'wish list'.

3.  Purchased and sent out invitations....etc etc...

Tonight was a different kind of birthday party.

Makia turned 9 today, September 30, 2008.

Five years ago, she was dropped off at a homeless shelter with her 4 siblings by a mother she would not see for many years to come.

The Lord works in mysterious ways alright.

He had a plan that these 5 precious children would not be left abandoned.

Makia's youngest brother had a different dad.  This dad, who disappeared before his son was walking, had a Believing mother.  And this grandmother clear across the country, upon hearing the news, packed her bags and headed to rescue her grandson.  When she arrived and realized that all 5 children had been abandoned she did what she believed was the only thing there was to do.

She took them all in as her own.

That was 7 years ago.  

Grandma "Sharon" has spent the last 7 years moving from one subsidized housing apartment to another, doing the best she could do.  While she is unable to provide them with much as far as 'wordly pleasures' go, she has passed on a genuine love for the Lord that amazes me.

A few months ago I was driving these kids around when the oldest daughter, 12 mind you, said, "Coach Julz, I just get frustrated with myself!  I've got to hurry up and read the WHOLE Bible before Jesus gets back.  I've read a lot of it, but I still have a lot left!  How much have you read?"

You can imagine my speechlessness.

Ok, so tonight, we celebrated Makia's 9th birthday.  It was beautiful.  We charred hot dogs over a campfire, jumped too many kids for safety on a sagging trampoline, and were led by the most off-key 2 year old - as we sang the loudest Happy Birthday Cha-Cha-Cha you've ever heard.  

Our family has many colors, many stories, and much love.

Happy Birthday Makia.  

You are not abandoned or forgotten.

You are loved.

And you are a beautiful child of God.

Entry #5

Ok, to all one, possibly 2 of you, that are reading this...hahaha...I've got to change things up a bit.

It's like for several days, the past entrys were just a'comin right along and then I hit a wall.  Wasn't sure why but this is all I can come up with....

I've spent most of my life either trying to block out and forget the past or be healed from it, and that's made it a bit challenging for me to focus so much on the past.

Sooooo.....

I'm going to fast forward A LOT and start sharing about my daily journey for awhile.  Who knows maybe some of the past will come easier for you and me! ha!

I'm really in a new season.  For many years, the things I DID defined me.  When I look back at some really cool things I've had the blessing of being a part of I am sooo grateful!  I have no regrets b/c I know they shaped who I am today.  

BUT, I will say that this season has some very new themes....

JUST BE, enjoy, KNOW Him 1st and let the rest fall into place, learn about the people around you, don't just 'politely' listen....hear their heart.  You get the picture.

I'm finding so much more freedom in this season.  Here's the real kicker...the more I live this way, the more things seem to be falling into place.  The old me always had SO much work to be done that I was missing moments of my life.  I was even missing a lot of the people I know He was leading to me to learn from.  I will admit I'm sad about that.  I like to say, I LOVE SPRING and FALL, but without winter and summer would I love them as much???  As I look back at the years of 'working' for the Lord, I can appreciate this season of just chilling with Him that much more.  

So, these days instead of 'leading any programs' to reach the kids of the community, I'm just hanging with them, living life with them, laughing some weeks and crying the next.  It's really beautiful.  No one has 'expectations' of what we'll do to reach the kids, no meetings to arrange details, no meetings to gain permission for certain things, etc.  Will it always be like this?  Probably not, but for now it is and I'm getting a real kick out of it.  

Makes me think of relating to my own kids.  If they were always trying to work their butts off to make sure I loved them, it would make me so sad.  Guess that's how I feel about me and God right now.  As long as I keep my heart open so that He can talk to me,  I'll be so confident of how much He loves me and from there I am a more genuine encourager in this thing we call life.

Every week we spend time hanging out with these kids and doing the most random silly things. This week we went to the Rose Garden and had a scavenger hunt.  When we got there with about 11 kids, they were each thinking about the same thing, "LAME!"  Since I've been around them for a few years I've learned a VERY important rule of thumb...DONT LET THE FIRST 30 MINUTES TOGETHER GET YOU DOWN.  Just keep loving the snot out of them until they chill.  (My husband is trying to get this one down still!)  They just have to 'detox' from the dysfunction that most of them live in 24/7/365.  

So we divided the kids up into teams of 2 and sent them off in search of some roses.  It was awesome to watch the little ones attack the mission fully abandoned to just have fun!  The middle age ones tried to develop a system, and the older ones tried as hard as they could to pretend they were freaking miserable.  I was on a team this time so I couldn't just sit and watch them (which I LOVE to do) but as I would run into a team it cracked me up!  Some were cheating, some didn't want to rush and skip smelling the roses (too cool!) and some were totally ticked that the others were cheating and needed justice to be served before they could continue.  

I could go on and on about the details of the night but this stood out to me....

From eating pizza, climbing on a roof (I'm a hopeless rule breaker remember ;) , searching for roses, going to QT for prizes, etc .....WE WERE LIVING LIFE TOGETHER.  

The only agenda, was to be together.  Ahhhh.  

That is the freedom I'm talking about.  

How often do we miss life b/c we have things scheduled to the minute.  If the Holy Spirit's job is to guide us (which I believe it is), how hard do we make it to do that?  I really 'get' that there has to be some sort of organization but really, do we always have to have every i dotted and t crossed?  I'm finding the really amazing stuff happens when we don't.

I learned that one kid is being asked to sell drugs to pay the bills at home, one girl showed me every blasted cheer she knew, another boy 8 years old-felt safe enough to start talking for the first time in a group, and the one who thought the Rose Garden was beyond stupid- couldn't wait to find out when we were coming to get him again!   

When I look back at most of what I used to do,  I see that just about everything had an agenda.  First- greeting, second- ice breaker, third - worship, fourth- lesson, fifth - invitation, sixth - a hurried dismissal.  Where in that plan could any of the things I just described have taken place?

Do I have things figured out?  Nope.  

But I'm enjoying breathing again.  

Lot's less pressure now that I'm learning how to live loved and love in return.

Night!

Entry #3

It's been fun writing about how the Lord began to open my eyes.  Not only am I reliving some amazing memories, but I've found myself thinking about it throughout the day.  Yesterday when I sat down to write, I felt a tugging at my Spirit.  

I sat still for a moment to talk with God about it.  Then and there, He reminded me, that even the task of writing about this journey must be done IN HIM.  To not take this task upon myself and to simply allow Him to retell the stories through me.  Enjoy the process Julie, dont be so focused on the end result.

Isn't He just amazing?  I don't know about you ...but so often I find myself moving full steam ahead with all the things I can do for Him.  Before I know it, it's all about me again.  Yuck.  

With that said, I sit here again asking Him, what do You want me to share? 

 

Here goes...

The last two entries have been about how the Lord led me into discovering my heart for these community kids and my deep desire to love them like He does.  That all began in 2006.  It's now the end of 2008.  

I'm going to summarize the rest of that 'school year' community class by saying that every Wednesday night got more and more exciting.  I remember racking my brain every week for God to give me ideas about how to make His Word come alive to these kids and ways to create atmospheres that would allow them to experience His love and then describe it.  I remember one night I decorated the ceilings with balloons with little messages inside.  I think the idea was to have them 'work together' in teams to discover how much more could be accomplished by WORKING TOGETHER for Him.  (Wow, team building was a constant neccesity!)  Anyway, the game was a joke....they destroyed just about every piece of school property they touched. Live and learn.    Success is getting up one more time than you fall down.

Another night, I remember having them just lay down (5 ft away from their neighbor so they couldn't smack each other!) and listen to music.  Don't know if you've ever heard of Jason Upton, but he has an amazing way of just singing in the Spirit forever.  They were sooo skeptical of the idea at first but after a couple minutes, I just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks.  These kids really wanted to know Him.  I think by this point they could tell I really dug Him and it wasn't just about 'teaching them lessons for stickers'.  I could watch their little angry bodies one by one begin to relax and really listen.  I've always clung to what the Holy Spirit said to me that night, "It's all beginning with these kids Julie."  Little did I know what that meant but it sure did deposit some peace in me.

Over the next 6 months, I got in so much trouble.  I wasn't trying to, but I broke all the rules.  One night, I left the kids unattended while I chased a boy out of the building.  As I was running I said,  "You can leave but I will always love you and welcome you back." He stopped dead in his tracks.  He was angry about a little discipline I had given him and went into 'autopilot' mode.  "No one tells ME what to do, I'm outta here!"  The simple words, "I love you.  You're always welcome here." messed with him.  After he froze, I just walked back to see if the other kids had killed each other yet (they had only mildly maimed each other) and a few minutes later he came walking back in. Head hanging low, not wanting to talk about it, was his way of signaling to me that he didn't really want to leave.  No words were necessary.  Man, my heart was smilin!

Another night, towards the end of the school year,  I wanted them to understand how humble and servant like Jesus was.  I played a clip from a movie that showed Jesus washing the feet of his disciples at the Last Supper.   I almost never cry but when the clip finished it was all I could do.  After I pulled my little bit of cool together,  I began explaining to them that in this life Jesus wants us to know His love SO much that we naturally begin to serve others as an outpouring of gratitude for what He has done for us.  In their home environments this is pretty unheard of.  You take what you can get - while you can get it....period.  If you're the youngest in the home, you're basically screwed.  So to watch them listening to this and really taking it in was quite a sight.  

So I told them, if they would let me, I really wanted to wash their feet.  Of course, there were a couple expected giggles and "nasty!" comments, but one by one, they willingly allowed me to do so.  While I washed their feet I prayed for each of them.  That He would bless them, make Himself known to them, and always be with them to show them where to go.  They were so reverent it kinda freaked me out!  Now they were in a long line waiting for their turn.  Once again, I had broken another rule, we were way past time to get out of class and the kids were giving up their bball time in the gym to wait for their turn!  As we finished, I told them all how much I loved them and began to pack up my stuff.  I noticed 2 of them whispering to each other and then they finally came over to share what was going on.  They wanted to wash MY feet and pray for ME!  You've never seen flip flops come off so fast.  As they began to wash my feet, the other kids that were just sitting back watching, one by one began to circle around me and lay their hands on me and take turns praying!  

I was forever ruined.  

No longer was I loving them.  THEY were loving me.  And He was loving us all.

By writing all of this I am reminded of what He is constantly showing me.  When we feel like we are being called to 'sacrifice' we need to be prepared to be blessed.  We may not always be able to see the blessing, but more often than not He is really leading us into a situation where WE will be the one served.  

I am so thankful that He wired me to be drawn to children.  They are so much easier than adults.  They are quick to forgive, overlook most mistakes, and are always aching for love.

Thank you Father for these children.  

We love You so much.

Entry #2

To say I was thrown into a situation completely unprepared would be a massive understatement.  Just one week earlier, I had been asked to consider taking on a Wednesday night class of community kids that no one seemed to know what to do with.  I had heard they were 'unruly, disrespectful, and not able to keep up with what the other kids were learning'.  Oh sure!  I know just what to do and am completely qualified!  HA HA HA!  

The ONLY thing I had going for me was that I knew He had orchestrated my being here.  

Try to imagine this.  The 'church' kids are all gathered and politely socializing with one another while they are waiting for class to begin.  I'm kind of walking around, saying 'hey' to kids, and waiting for 'my crew' to arrive on the vans.  All kinds of thoughts are running through my head.  

Honestly, one of my main concerns was this...When the time came, how in the world was I going to get these 'community' kids to come with me to another classroom without causing them to feel 'excluded' or that they had done something wrong?  I had tried unsuccessfully to practice what my line would be, "Ok, all of you guys (wide gesture) come with me!"  or maybe "If you rode the van here, I want you to follow me."  Oh heck, this is 2007 for crying out loud, WHY are these kids being seperated?  I had NO comforting answers, only an assignment that was thankfully from Above.

WHAM.  They arrived.  There was no way to miss their arrival.  The atmosphere suddenly changed.  Wow, was there a new noise level.  The 'church' kids began to shrink back a bit as the community kids poured in putting on their best 'intimidate anyone and everyone' faces.  

One of the leaders shouted out, "Ok guys, come to the seats.  It's time for praise and worship!"  In some sort of controlled chaos we all ended up in at least that general vicinity.  The community kids had no clue who I was, why I was sitting with them and honestly could have cared less.  I was just one more adult that was going to try to control their behavior.

The music starts and all the 'church' kids stood up to worship.  As I stood there completely numb, I can still remember the numerous happenings that took place over the next 15 torturous minutes.

One of the kids kicked his feet up on the chair in front of him, signaling he was NOT going to be a part of 'worship', whatever that was!  Three girls began going through and loudly discussing the contents of one of their purses.  One poor girl just stood there scared to death, she knew she should stand but to cooperate would signal to her friends that she was a sell-out.  

I could feel the eyes of all the leaders looking at me like, "Whatcha gonna do?"  Just before I panicked, the most hillarious thing happened.  One of the community kids farted SO loud.  Well, that was all his friends needed to crank the noise level up a few more notches.  Heck, I couldn't decide if I should join them laughing, scold them like the leaders were waiting for me to do, or start bawling and run out of the room!

Knowing that none of those were wise choices, I did the only thing I knew to do.  I closed my eyes and began worshipping the Lord (if you can call it worship?!) from the most center place of my being I could find.  "Oh God, HELP ME!  You brought me here, now speak!  Tell me what in the heck I do!"  I'm certain my rambling pleas for mercy were much faster than that but suddenly a calm came over me.  I remember that as the peace began to wash over me, I heard in my heart the Lord ask me one 'simple' question.  

Can you love them?  

"Of course Lord!  But SHOW me what to do now!"

Julie.  Can you love them?

"I said YES, but what do I say when this music stops and I'm supposed to somehow get them to follow me!?"

Oh little one.  Can you love them?

Suddenly, a deep understanding came over me.  One that has sustained me through many trying times on this journey to where I am now.

"Love them.  What does that look like Lord?  How do I really do that?"

I had an almost immediate understanding that this would not be accomplished in a HUGE sense tonight.  It would simply be the beginning.  

Many things were going to be required for me to do this...

I could not look at them as a 'project' or 'ministry'.  I was to love them.

I could not expect them to trust me.  I was to love them.

I could not demand respect of them.  I was to love them.

Every adult was going to question my ability.   I was to love them.

Suddenly, I realized....none of these will ever be 'checkmarked'.  

To love them would be a journey...not a destination.

So the music wrapped.  Everyone BUT me was relieved and I sheepishly said, "Hey, let's go hang out down here and talk"  As I literally just tapped a few of their shoulders and hoped and prayed the others would follow.  Thankfully, they did.

God's sense of humor strikes again....

Just as we were leaving the room one of the 'church' kids shouted, "Can I come too?"

I wasn't expecting this at all.  But it struck me as hillarious.  "Of COURSE you can come, let's go!"

He didn't need me to 'know how', to 'plan', or to be 'qualified'.  

Simply to obey.

Good reminder for me today. :)

Bless u.

Entry #1

Tonight I realized something-

I gain so much insight and encouragement from other followers and their stories ~ that maybe (seems crazy!) others may gain the same from mine.  

So here goes...

3 years ago, I fit the "American Christian" mold perfectly.

Married, kids, well decorated house, semi-nice car, kids in private school and lessons, attended church (too many times a week to count), fellowshipped w/ other believers (frightening now, that's the ONLY people I hung out w/) and on and on....

I believed I was doing all He would ever ask me to do.

Fast forward 3 years and here I sit....

completely and beautifully wrecked.

Can't imagine those go together?  Neither could I.

Care to hear a little about where this all began?  If so, you're crazy like me (that's meant as a compliment ;) ) but keep reading.

One day I was driving down Peoria in Tulsa, from 61st to 51st.  I was going to be passing my church soon (which was rare that it wasn't my destination) and I found myself thinking, "Why is this church planted where it is? How is it possible that very few if any of the people I see walking around in this, what seems to be hopeless, community are ever IN our church?  Hmmmm...."

I've never even tried to give written words to what happened next.  What I'm about to tell you, I promise, will sound completely nuts.  And that is one of the main reasons I have kept it tucked away in MY heart for 3 years now...only sharing it with a few other silly people like me.  

Before I had time to even really come up with any possible 'rational' (I've honestly grown to despise that word) reasons, a vision opened up before my eyes.  If you are one that went to theology school, I'm sorry, I'm certain this will break all the rules....

I found myself following skateboarding kids down the road.  A stream of them seemed to be all headed the same direction....down the sidewalk, under the bridge and turning left. Again, before I had time to think, I found myself following along in my car in anticipation of finding out where they all were headed.  Suddenly, my 'rational' thinking kicked in.  "What the heck are you doing Julie? This isn't real.  Pay attention to traffic!"  In an instant, it all faded away.  

I sat there at the light,  white knuckling the wheel, with a very important and quick decision to make....

"Do I change the direction I should be headed (turning right) and instead go straight and under the bridge to see if anything's there?"  Something, I like to call crazy faith, took over and before I knew it, I was headed straight and under the bridge.  Instead of turning left under the bridge like I had seen the kids do, I decided to park across the street and try to sort things out.  Ha!  I had no clue WHAT to even sort out!

I just sat there staring at the location where they all seemed to be headed.  I'm not sure if I started asking God questions or not, but I remember just sitting there numb.  The 'rational' thoughts were pounding at the door, but I didn't even have the sense about me to entertain them.  I just sat staring.

Suddenly, I saw something that I'm certain no words can do justice.  But if you have been crazy enough to go this far...well I won't leave you hangin.

Light.  The whitest moving light I've ever seen.  Like a wind.  It was as though the light was traveling INTO this location and going OUT.  

As I sat there, I didn't even have it in me to think.  I just enjoyed it.

3 years later, I feel like I remember having the faint understanding that this light was LIFE.

Well, what does one do with this?  ha!  If you have an immediate answer that would probably scare me!  What did I do?  

I went to bed that night unsure if I would ever be able to share it with anyone.  I just started telling God...."I saw that.  I have no clue what it was, or what it means, but I saw that.  Please tell me anything you want me to know."

This is where the 'beautiful wrecking' all began.

A couple days later, I was at the church.  It was night time and I knew the praise team was practicing.  I  had decided to just go lay on one of the pews and talk to God.  (For this season I've had to ditch the word 'pray' because I have too many weird things attached to how bad I am at that....chillin' and chattin w/ Him I can do.)  

Honestly, didn't really hear anything back.  Just listened to people talk about music details that kinda made me sad for them.  Wow, that's all so technical how could you just get lost in worship?!  Hence, the reason He didn't give me one single musical gifting, ha!  Just glad they can do it!

So, disappointed, I started pulling out of the parking lot.  I noticed a light on in the storehouse (a building across the street from the church that ministers in many ways to the community).  "Hmmm, I know almost nothing about what goes on over there.  Maybe I should check it out."

As I walked in, I now find this hillarious, many humble servants of our church looked at me like, "Why is Julie here?"   GOOD QUESTION!   I felt completely awkward and unsure of WHY I WAS THERE!

  

I found the Community Outreach Pastor in his office completely overloaded with work piles in every corner and only a dim light on.  I remember feeling sad for his load.  Before I knew it, these words came falling out of my mouth, "Are there any areas you need volunteers in right now?"  Can't you just see the angels rolling around laughing at what I had just opened up!

It was cool because he just kind of sat there for a moment like, "Where in the heck do I even begin?!"  But then I'm certain he kinda did a mental survey of what my qualifications could possibly be and replied, "We really are in need of a teacher for a class of 10 or so community kids."  I gave the standard (correct but not sure what my motive was at the time) Christian answer, "Let me pray about it and get back to you."  Don't you just know he probably thought, "Heard that one before!"

Here I was again, rolling around on my pillow with ridiculous questions for God.  "Oh man, what the heck am I DOING?!  Am I as crazy as everyone already thinks I am?  Or are you doing this?"  

By the time I woke up (I know dad! 'awakened') the next morning, I was resolved as I could be.  "I'll say yes and give it a try!"  

And so it all began.  Guess I'll save the first night of my assignment for the next post.  This one is already much too long.  

One thing brings me great hope right now.  For the last 3 years, I have felt so crazy at times, that I find myself reading like a fanatic anything I can get my hands on that can tell me how revolutionaries felt at the BEGINNING of their journey.  Over and over, I see the same theme.  They had no clue what they were getting into. Only that they knew they would forever be miserable if they walked away.

Maybe you're like me.  God has put something inside of you that seems much bigger than anything YOU could have dreamed up.  

It is my sincere hope that recording this journey will not only bring ME closer to His heart, but will also stir up YOUR passion to go for it.  

As someone said to me just yesterday, "What if I'm wrong?  What if this is just me?  I know ONE THING.... I'd rather die knowing I loved well and tried to follow Him the best I knew how!"  

AMEN